A Parents' Back To School Guide

Human beings love to learn.  We are wired to learn and to gain satisfaction from learning.  We spend our entire lives learning.  There is a Chinese Proverb that sums this up well: “Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.”   As true as this is, try convincing a child who is struggling in school that this is the case.  You may as well try to convince a squirrel that a dog just wants to be friends. There is generally an explanation for why a child struggles in school; attention problems, anxiety, depression, home stress, bullying, and learning disabilities are some of the more common culprits.  Children who are struggling fall behind quickly, they are exposed every day to the fact that they are not doing as well as other kids.  They rapidly become frustrated, discouraged, and lose their confidence.  You can imagine why a child who is not doing well in school will start to say things like, “I hate school”, “I’m stupid” and “My teacher sucks.” This is why, about one month into school, it is important as a parent to step back and assess how your child is doing.  One month is about the right amount of time for the transition to school from summer to be complete; relationships and routines should be well established. This is why, at this point in the school year, I offer you this “Parents’ back to school list”. For school you will need:

1. A working phone that has the number to the school dialed in.  Communication should be consistent and with an identified advocate for your child.
2. Ears that are not filled with wax and are able to hear well.  Ask questions about school and listen to your child’s answers.  He or she, however, may not tell you anything (if so, see #3).
3. Eyes that are observing the child’s behavior, body language, patterns of resistance or avoidance.  That can tell you a lot about what is going on.
4. Arms with hands that give hugs and “thumbs up” for your child’s successes and because they need love and reassurance.
5. A voice to ask the school for support or help when the child is not doing well.   You do not want to become the tutor or teacher for your child and do his or her work.  Trust me, that never goes well.  Public schools are required to offer support if a parent asks.
6. Persistence. If you are not getting answers from the school or your child, keep digging.  You may need to go to higher ranking individuals in the school or the system to discuss your concerns.
7. Diplomacy. Do it nicely, and with an attitude of corroboration.  Schools generally do not have the time or resources to deal as well with an angry parent.
8. Creativity. Find the best environment for your child to study in, be it at a desk in the hall, in the silence of his or her own room, or on the patio, wearing a batman suit and listening to Perry Como records.  Also, keep an open mind.  Even if your dream was to always have your child attend a particular school, it may not be the right fit.
9. Humility. Don’t worry about pride, don’t worry about the term “learning disability”, don’t worry about the potential stigma of a child being “labeled” with ADD, depression, etc.  If a child is struggling because of these things he or she will only do worse if they are not accepted and addressed.
10. Empathy. If your child is not doing well, it is most likely very upsetting to him or her.  Children do care about school and about learning and they do want to fit in. The attitude of “I don’t care” is usually the child’s defense to cope with how bad he or she feels.  Try to avoid the punitive and negative approach.
11. A Phone book. Call for a professional evaluation. Psychological assessments can help sort out why a child may be struggling with school.  A psychiatric evaluation can do the same and a psychiatrist or psychologist can help organize all of the different layers.  You do not want to be a clown doing this juggling act by yourself.
12. Exercise shorts, friends, other fun things.  The stress of dealing with this kind of problem is immense.  Remember to take care of yourself.  It will only help in getting your child back on track.

For the vast majority of children who hate school or who seem lazy and not to care, there is an underlying cause.  Sure, most kids complain about school, but they do it and eventually admit that they do like to learn.  The earlier you can identify a problem and mobilize support, the better your children will do.  Do whatever it takes to be the advocate.  Heck, if you have to, dress like a pirate and act like you are on a treasure hunt with them.