Winning at Losing

Congratulations to the Denver Broncos on a terrific and historic season.  Congratulations to the Seattle Seahawks on being Champions. They are a team that dismantled the greatest pro football offense of all time. It should have been a great game.  Unfortunately, for lack of a better word, it sucked.

In case you haven’t guessed, I am a Bronco fan. I thought that they would at least give the Seahawks a run if not crush them. Sparing the pain of rehashing the whole thing, I will say that the closest the Broncos came to competing in the game was the coin toss.  They did lose that but it turned out that the 50/50 chance of winning was their best play of the day.

There were times during the game that if felt as if we were watching a horror movie; I almost covered my children's eyes to avoid them witnessing the slaughter.  I did not cover their eyes because I realized they needed to see it. It was an opportunity to show that, no matter what, you can't always win. The players were exposed to pressure of scrutiny and judgment and to the risk of failure.  It was a risk they were willing to take.

Although it appeared the Broncos were sleepwalking, I believe that basically all of the athletes on that field played as hard as they could. They worked extremely hard to get to that level and it was clear before the game how much they rejoiced in that. They faced each other in front of a world that would either love them in victory or hate them in defeat.  They clashed knowing that despite their best effort, no matter how determined they were, they could lose.  Then again, everybody will lose or fail at some point in their life. It's just a fact.

There has been a trend to hand trophies out to every child in their sports leagues no matter how they finish. This sounds like a neat idea. You would think it helps kids feel good. You would think that self-esteem and motivation to compete would be stoked. There is a lack of evidence that the ubiquitous trophies help the kids achieve these things.

It actually appears that if an award is given to all kids for any performance, it can be detrimental. A child who knows he or she doesn't "deserve" a trophy but gets it may not learn to handle adversity. It may cause that child to doubt his ability or people’s motives for compliments. It may cause low frustration tolerance and quitting in situations that demand work and don't offer the promise of quick rewards.  It may cause kids to put less value on accomplishment. Additionally, if a child knows a trophy is coming no matter what, why try hard?

We should allow our children to face challenges and to face the possibility of losing. If we focus on constant protection from loss, rescue them without having them figure out what to do, we set them up for failure in the form of difficulty transitioning to adulthood.  Without a certain amount of stress in childhood, there is lack of growth and development of skills and strategies to manage challenges.  Fear of success or failure may lead to avoidance and lack of effort.

There are times we must protect our kids.  Generally those times should be reserved for instances when a child is in harm’s way emotionally or physically.  We must also make it clear that we expect our children to put out best efforts to achieve goals.  We teach through action that they need to be persistent and to work hard.  It is ok to dream big and expect success.  We remind them that we are there to support them in the good and bad times.

For Bronco fans, this extremely heart-breaking Super Bowl was an opportunity to learn how to lose well (seasoned Bronco fans are already well acquainted with that). Granted, winning is fun.  When things are good, I can prance around in my Manning jersey like a king. I can seek all of the stories and view all the specials about what a winner Denver is. I can party and join in the victory parade and high five all of my fellow Denver fans. That’s pretty easy; especially considering the players did all of the work.

But what do we do after they get creamed? That’s the hard part. Knowing how to handle that is a key to success and happiness in life.  Knowing you can keep going despite loss or failure makes the good times more available and creates true joy.  It generally starts by accepting that you should feel really bad after something like that.

Most of the Bronco players understand that.  Next season, they will once again proudly don those bright orange jerseys and they will enter preseason ready to work like maniacs to get back to the big stage; to take the risk of another heart break.  That is exactly how they have achieved at the level they have.  They know that there is so much more reward in pressing forward despite fear, enduring loss and defeat, working to earn a victory than having it handed out.  (Yes, the nice compensation for the work helps as well.)

And what of the Bronco fans?  Since we know how to lose well, we will be reenergized (or masochistic) enough to once again expect them to win the Super Bowl.  It will be fun.